As the holidays come to an end,
I just want to document down some of my thoughts and feelings from this short one month (& from the school semester too).
It’s crazy how much (good) a holiday break can do to my mental well-being.
During the semester, I wasn’t even loaded with commitments or whatsoever but somehow the lack of social interactions, my own academic expectations, and possibly my lack of discipline and time management just culminated in a lot of procrastination, feelings of worthlessness, and overwhelming stress.
I tried my best to manage it, to not give so much s*** about acads or to just numb myself and give myself breaks, but they often felt more like procrastination rather than breaks.
Towards the end, I was dragging myself to the finishing line of final examinations and just kept oscillating between giving up and pushing on to meet my own expectations. It was such a relief when holidays came that when all the essays were submitted and final examinations have ended, I couldn’t care more about all the imperfections in the essays or the mistakes I made in the examinations.
And then holiday was really a great time to heal. Meeting people and talking to old friends made me feel alive again. I always thought that I’m an introvert and I only feel the most comfortable when I’m alone. But then I realised how important friends are to me as well. They are actually people who make me who I am – they each make up a small part of me and when pieced together it feels whole again. Or at least being able to talk and interact with people on a daily basis made me feel whole again.
Looking back, I’m not sure how but I actually did much better in my academics and commitments than I expected. Things turned out ok. And maybe I put in more effort than I thought I did. I was struggling so much and trying so hard not to struggle so much at the same time. I was procrastinating and trying to be perfectionistic at the same time. Everything was contradictory and tough and painful. But they’ll pass. They passed.
Here’s a note to self for the following semesters: this too shall pass. Actively break out of that hermit shell to meet people. Manage your expectations (though there’s no doubt you’ll find this difficult). Train your resilience. Take breaks and don’t feel too guilty of them.
In 2021, just remember this nugget of truth:
Even in the toughest of times, life goes on, and always try to find beauty in it.